Love is a Dog From Hell
The Trials & Tribulations of Dating
I write this as an idea that I’ve been sitting on for months, and certainly not as a sort of “anniversary” deal. So it is not by design when I say that it is the roughly two-year mark of when my longest and healthiest relationship came to an end.
There’s no need to delve into the details of the relationship, or rather its ending, other than it being amicable. What I will say is that the first year post-breakup had a lot of ups and downs. There was an immediate high from a rebound, a pretty deep low when reality seeped in, and a few dates that would follow, once I was able to regain my composure.
Year-two, albeit no-cake walk, was a lot better in that I processed the heartache and began looking toward future without looking back. The biggest obstacle I was fending off was the occasional depressive slip and feelings of defeat when trying to get back in the game. Practicing the rationalization of human behaviors and the disappointment that comes with dating was crucial. As my own worst critic, I can only be hard on myself and assume that I’d done a terrible job at appearing impervious to all of the let-downs. Though, I’m guessing I held my own enough for people to believe that I was somehow put-together - at least enough for friends to seek support from me. There have been a handful of people who have sought me out to vent and ask for advice on how to deal with their love lives.
Just know that I’m going to make the valiant effort of trying to refrain from self-deprecating humor throughout this, but…
Having people come to me to air-out their grievances is nothing new. I’ve always been proud of being supportive and being a good listener to friends in their time of need; but there’s something gravely telling of a person’s frame of mind if they’re coming to me for dating advice.
I was having these frequent discussions around a period when I was beginning to write for more some of my musical endeavors. Additionally, I had been inspired enough to practice arranging thoughts and general skills to write a few think-pieces, such as this one. (Especially after a few people encouraged me and expressed wanting to read such things. So I’ll appease those three people.)
This is no attack on any sex. Rather, it is a means to create awareness of the construct that influences our approach and methods of thinking, that in turn cause dating to feel extremely hopeless and defeating.
Before I do, as much as I don’t want to make this about me, it’s probably necessary for you to understand a little bit about myself.
First-off, if you’ve come here seeking advice on how to get laid, you’ve come to the worst possible person for any semblance of guidance. I am the absolute furthest idea from a player.
You can find me in that special group of self-proclaimed, “hopeless romantics.” I’ve romanticized everything growing up - even as a child. Novels and movie-like romance, classically courting a woman with flowers & love letters, and just wanting to make someone feel the sort of love that leaves no room for doubt - that’s always been my calling card.
And because of the energy I put into all of that, I tend to be more careful and methodical when I approach the next relationship. Single-life entailslooking introspectively within myself and retrospectively at past relationships, understanding what I’ve learned and how I can be a better partner in the future, as well as concluding what I look for in a partner.
It sounds painfully obvious to say that we should learn from each relationship, but let’s be honest. We know a lot of people who repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
Anyway, some people read that bit about myself and think “oh, that’s great. You should have no problem getting dates. Women love guys like you!”
Yes and no.
If you really believe that a universal formula exists, then you’d be dismissing a ton of other variables: personality, mental & emotional intelligence, values, ethics, humor, shared interests, and communication compatibility - and I can’t stress that enough. After all, by writing off the importance of all that (and more) you’d also be forgetting the time it takes to learn if a prospective date encompasses any or enough of those things to consider even a brief future with them. You can’t do that until you’ve established a forum of healthy conversation.
And thus, we segue into the first few topics:
Dating Applications
Dating sites have been around for quite some time, but their presence in the form of mobile applications has evolved significantly over the last 15+ years. From granting you the convenience of possibly meeting people on your own time and without leaving the confines of your home, to the niche interest-based applications that “better” filter your type. It is hard to argue that the original intent was probably good. But leave it to humanity to ruin such an effective concept, right?
The problem is that the very idea of convenience is now framed in a manner that suggests, “I don’t have time, let’s cut to the chase,” which immediately impersonalizes dating - something that thrives on a certain level of personality and vulnerability.
The best analogy I’ve made is that these applications are essentially glorified job search engines. Your profile is your resume. Focus on the bullet points and let them know why you want a job. The person on the other end is the recruiter and they’re using keywords & phrases, glancing at your pictures, and skimming through to find any indications of what your career or salary may yield within 3-15 seconds (if you’re lucky) all to determine whether or not you’re a viable candidate worthy of an “interview.” And remember: matching is only the first step. That interview is important. There are a lot of people looking for a “hook,” because for some reason saying “hi, how are you” or “what’s up” are deemed to be terrible openers. So be unique and charismatic, but not so much that you come off as trying too hard. I’m not sure where the happy-medium is, but I hope you figure it out - because I didn’t.
Needless to say, this creates a lot of overthinking. Again, not so much for the types who are solely looking to get laid, because their agenda and approach not only differs, but may cater to a different demographic.
So how do you keep someone engaged?
You can’t.
At least, you (directly) can’t do anything outside of being yourself. Ideally speaking, they should be reciprocating and making an effort to keep the discussion going. If they don’t, then they’ve likely been consumed by delusions of grandeur that they’ll somehow know enough about a person within a couple of messages.
So you move on and repeat this over and over and over again.
I’m sure you’ve seen the headlines and story posts of studies averaging 100-200 swipes before you match - and that’s not even factoring how many of those matches may yield a date. Then there’s reels of women saying they’ve logged onto their male friends profiles as a means to talk for them, only to discover the harsh reality that it’s really fucking hard regardless of your sex.
Now, I’m not saying that dating applications are the only way to meet people, but in our society it’s the most widely used manner (for that ever-so-stifling convenience factor.) I could go into the world of in-person approaches like speed-dating and singles-based events (which I’m surprised still exist) and the old-school method of approaching someone in a familiar setting - but I haven’t done any of that. I’m not exactly the most charismatic and social character. I can only write based on first-hand experiences and third-person observations.
Communication
Not to state the obvious, but we’re living in an age where the primary model of communication is asynchronous. It’s not a problem per se, because it allows us to send a message at any given time and the recipient can follow-up whenever they’d like (or are able to.) But the issue is most prominently seen in the early stages of getting to know an individual. It’s nerve-racking to send a message, play the waiting game, and wonder, “are they busy? Am I coming off uninteresting? Maybe I’m coming off needy. Did they get offended? Most people would have answered by now,” etc.
And even though I emphasize this as being a modern dilemma, I couldn’t help but chuckle when reading some of Franz Kafka’s “Letters to Milena,” with one example reading:
“It so happens the notes did not require a particularly prompt reply and if your silence is nothing more than a sign of relative well-being, which often expresses itself in an aversion to writing, then I am completely satisfied. However, it is also possible–and this is why I am writing–that in my notes I somehow hurt you (what a clumsy hand I must have had, if that should happen against all my intentions) or else, which would of course be much worse, the moment of quiet relaxation you described has again passed and bad times have again descended upon you. In case the first is true I don’t know what to say, that’s so far from my thoughts and everything else is so close, and for the second possibility I have no advice—how could I?”
There’s no doubt that my boy Kafka would have been ghosted and/or blocked if he’d sent that in the modern age. But it does go to show that this is problem has persisted for ages.
The point I’m trying to make is more or less to stress the benefit of having phone calls and (of course when the other person is comfortable) in-person dates. Those modes allow you to listen and see their level of engagement. Things like verbal response times, eye contact, facial expressions, and general mannerisms (how glued to their phone they are or not) will help put your thoughts at ease when you’re engaging in regular periods of text messaging.
Dos & Don’ts
Remember: people may share common characteristics, but at the end of the day everybody is different. So there’s not a lot of widely-accepted dos & don’ts. But I can at least say that these are pretty constructive all across the board:
Do…
Be Yourself - First and foremost, be yourself- but acknowledge and recognize that there are specific aspects of ourselves that don’t need to be divulged within the talking stage/first few dates. And if you’re the no-filter type of person: try to muster the will-power to tone it down a cunt-hair. It’s common courtesy.
Listen & Ask Questions - Secondly, listen and ask questions (and more importantly) leave room for discussion. This may seem obvious but there are a lot of people who lack the ability to do it. I’ve had a few women try to initiate conversation with me and their skills were severely lacking. It sucked as I tried to steer the conversation, because I could tell they seemed like genuinely nice people, but it still went nowhere. Things can’t be one-sided. And as much as I hate to be the person to hurt anybody’s feelings, I can’t pretend to want to drive the conversation every single time.
Don’t…
Bash The Opposite Sex - This right here may be the most toxic aspect of dating. And as much as you want to argue it, you have to understand that it goes both ways. The majority of people are so scarred by their past that they assume every man or woman is the same.
“All men do is lie.” “All men are cheaters.”
“All women are whores.” “All women want is money.”
The last person whom I’d gone out with that did this and made it a focal point to talk about her frustrations with men for an entire weekend. (You know, instead of getting to know me or something.) Oftentimes she’d ask why I would get quiet and I’d imagine saying to her, “well, you haven’t even tried to learn a thing about me, but you’ve already lumped me into this group of men that did you wrong. The reality is the firm stance you’ve had, even before meeting me, made it so that I had no chance to prove otherwise. I won’t be able to change your mind- so why would I even try?”
Of course, I didn’t say it because I had no energy to argue with someone so headstrong. I just needed to get my ass out of there.
Nobody is responsible for resolving our past - especially not someone that we’re just welcoming into our lives. And it is not to say that we don’t step into relationships trauma-free, but berating the opposite sex, while you’re getting to know them, almost puts them into this position where they may feel this pressurizing expectancy to be The One - and that’s not healthy nor is it fair.
Stop Taking Rejection or “Friendzoning” Personally - This could go both ways, but let’s be honest - it’s guys that have the hardest time coping with these things. (Their friends don’t exactly help, either.)
As far as rejection goes, unless someone is outright telling you that you’re trash or something suggestive of a bad character, it’s typically best to take it and move on. From what I’ve seen and heard from others it’s typically a “sorry, I don’t think this is going to work,” and that’s probably as respectful as it’s going to get. The only alternative is ghosting- which if you put yourself in someone else’s shoes, how do you politely tell someone it’s not going to work without it hurting them? There’s really no right way. It’s going to sting either way. So, would you rather have closure with a polite let-down or no closure, at all? Whatever your answer may be doesn’t really matter, because that’s your cue to stop.
As for friendzoning- I personally hate the term. It implies something completely negative, as if making a friend along the way was something bad. The reality is that someone is being upfront with you and implying, “you’re a good person, but I don’t feel the chemistry to make a relationship happen.”
In either regard, someone is voicing to you that you don’t need to make the effort to court them. If that doesn’t register or it somehow bothers you, then you may need to work things out within yourself. But the message is clear: you can’t force what isn’t there.
Summary & Final Thoughts
There’s so much that goes into human connection - because that is what we’re seeking when dating with intent.
To believe that there is some guide, a set of principles, or even some AI-powered application, that’s going to help us attain what we desire in the simplest, fastest, and most stress-free manner is just foolish.
We have to humanize and cope with the human experience as we were intended to. We have to understand that any and every bond we have in life requires time. Because I can assure you that you did not know that your best friend would become your best friend the moment you met them. You got to know them, you got to share experiences with them, you got to face and resolve hardships with one another - and that’s what it is (and more) when you date with intent to find something meaningful.
Additionally, we have to accept that the journey will entail disappointment at some point or another - and maybe even several times. People will come and go, and you’re going to face periods where you can’t help but feel as though you’ve wasted your time. These things are not the result of being victims of love, nor are they the fault of any entire gender. It’s just the nature of the beast.
Some days you will exude confidence and relish the joys of single life and other nights you will long for tenderness and validation - and that’s okay. It’s much more natural than most would care to admit.
The dating game is either going to stay the same or progressively get worse. There really isn’t a whole lot that we can do that change it; but you can at the very least restructure your outlook and remember that there’s more to life than expending time and energy in actively searching for one person.
So as cliché as it sounds, the hard pill to swallow, is that you just have to let go and just live.
I think it was most eloquently put by Herman Hesse in his novel, “Siddhartha.”
“When someone is seeking,” said Siddhartha, “it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking., because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal. You, O worthy one, are perhaps indeed a seeker, for in striving towards your goal, you do not see many things that are under your nose.”
